The past few weeks have been emotionally rough. The only way I can describe is I am overwhelmingly sad. My “fake it” smile even looks fake. My family has been noticing and then of course I feel worse because I am doing a horrible job at hiding it, which I usually am good at that.

Why do I feel like this?

I have so much to be thankful for, and I truly am. I know there are people who have it far worse than I do. I know my symptoms are gradually improving. But chronic illness is still chronic—it never gives me a day off.

The other day I even told my doctor, whom I genuinely love, that I didn’t want to come anymore. Not because of him, but because I’m tired. My only form of socializing has become his office and Quest. It’s bloodwork, then his office. His office, then more bloodwork. Somewhere along the way, that became my life.

I have slowly been able to do more, and I am grateful for that. But I’m exhausted by the price I have to pay for something as simple as going to a store for seven minutes.

Every decision has become a calculation.

If I do this, I can’t do that.

If I shower and wash my hair today, I have to watch everything else I do to not exceed my energy. My energy limits have become like gold, precious, finite, and something I have to budget carefully because once it’s spent, there isn’t a quick way to earn it back. Suffering in Pain is the cost.

Everything costs me energy.

I have to save every ounce of it just so I can do one thing I truly want to do. I pace myself because I know that’s part of getting better, but constantly budgeting your energy is exhausting in a way that’s hard to explain unless you’ve lived it. I’m slowly beginning to have a little bit more to spend and I am grateful but it’s such a slow process. I have found myself not in a good place mentally despite my best efforts and trying to “ stay positive” I just can’t get happy.

I watch everyone else living their lives.

I’ll be honest I get jealous. Maybe even a little bitter.

People wake up, get out of bed, and think only about what they want to accomplish that day. They don’t have to calculate whether brushing their hair, taking a shower, or walking through a store will cause them aching pains and possibly steal their tomorrow.

That kind of freedom is something I long for.

I miss the simplicity of living without having to negotiate with my own body. I miss being able to walk wherever I wanted, for as long as I wanted, without wondering if something is going to hurt me or not. You know if you touch a hot stove it will burn, In my case everyday things cause the burning.

Some days, more than anything else, I just miss being free. I feel I have a chain around my neck and everytime I do something that may bring me joy, I get yanked back.

It’s gloomy outside, and if I’m being honest, that’s exactly how my heart feels right now.

Is this the kind of thing a Christian should be posting? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m not a perfect Christian. I’m an imperfect human being trying to navigate a very difficult season of life while learning to trust a perfect Savior.

Lately, I’ve found myself clinging to Jesus’ words in Matthew 11:28:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Jesus calls us to bring ourselves to Him—especially when we are sad, anxious, sick, confused, grieving, or overwhelmed. His invitation is to bring every emotion, every burden, and every broken piece of our hearts to Him, allowing our relationship with Him to grow stronger through every season.

He doesn’t tell us to come to Him once we have our lives figured out or when everything is finally perfect. He says, “Come to Me.”

He welcomes the broken parts of us because only in Him can we find true rest. Only in Him can our hearts begin to heal. Only in Him can the broken pieces of our lives be put back together one piece at a time.

That’s the beauty of the Gospel. Jesus isn’t waiting for us to become whole before we come to Him. He asks us to come as we are, and He is the One who makes us whole. I am far from whole right now but despite how I feel I’m writing these words because I do know them to be true even I am I am struggling to believe at the moment.

I will still search for Jesus in this, I will still show up to pray and read my Bible even if I’m skimming it and can’t retain a word. Even if I don’t have words to speak to him.

I know God’s Word is never wasted.

Maybe I won’t remember every verse today. Maybe I won’t feel anything in the moment. But I believe every time I read His Word, I am storing it away for later. His truth is being planted deep within me, ready for the day I need it most. The Holy Spirit has a way of bringing Scripture back to our hearts at just the right time.

So I will keep showing up not because it’s easy, but because He is faithful and has always been. No matter how much I’m struggling right now, I do trust that God is working behind the scenes. So every page I turn is an act of faith. Every verse I read is a seed planted. I just have to hang on a bit longer.