There is a kind of suffering that doesn’t look dramatic from the outside. No ambulance. No visible wounds. No clear explanation on what exactly is happening. It is just hours and months of intense physical and mental torment.

My newest symptom has been the worst so far, My arms begin to burn—almost like they’re on fire from the inside out—while at the exact same time, my hands and feet turn ice cold but when I take my temperature it’s actually a bit low at 96.3. Something comes over my body and I get this intense calm feeling but I am not calm. My arms begin with a light tingling sensation then will go completely limp as well as my legs, it seems as though the life just gets sucked out of them. I can speak but I feel I can’t get the words out, I am trapped in a body that I can’t feel and what I can feel is like I am on fire. I want to scream but I have no voice, have you ever had that dream where your trying to yell for someone to save you but the words don’t come out? Only when you wake up it’s over. This is my new reality and the reality for many others living with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis or ME.

I can’t distract myself with tv or social media, I can’t have a conversation, all I can do is just lay there as the tears roll down my cheek but I can’t even wipe them. I do the only thing I know how to, I pray through the pain. I realize the more I pray the more intense the symptoms develop. So I brace for impact by trying to grip my bedsheets pretending they are the hem of Jesus’s garment, waiting for him to say “ Your faith has made you well” Mark 5:34, Matthew 9:22, Luke 17:19, Luke 8:48, Luke 18:42, Mark 10:52

Jesus is the only hope I have in that moment.

Eventually after around 3-4 hours but what seems like an eternity, I begin to “come back to life.” The intensity wears off little by little until I regain full feeling of my limbs, I can speak again, I can think real thoughts, the burning disappears and then I sleep like a baby. When I “crash” it’s hard to put into words to make someone understand the hell I feel like I’m living in. The closest I can describe is like something takes over my body, ties me down with hands and feet bound, unable to move, unable to speak, while something relentlessly turns up the torture trying to break me. Wanting to see how much I can handle before I give in. But give in to what?

On top of the physical pain, this very weird voice without words taunts me and tries to wear me down, it tells me that I will die like this, that I will never walk again or get better, that I will be in this bed forever and that if I just give in, then it will all stop. As if relief is on the other side of letting go.

After I came out of my last “crash” I replayed this “time warp of torture” and was so confused on what exactly keeps happening to me, WHY is it so intense and so painful? and what is this voice telling me to let go of? I can’t hold onto anything because I can’t physically hold something, I can’t mentally hold anything because I can’t even think, then it all just hits me —- the only thing I’m holding onto for dear life is my Faith in Jesus Christ.

So I think to myself who would want me to let go of that?

As something deeper rises up inside of me, I begin to realize something that this answer is far more unsettling than the pain itself. The voice that was telling me those things, is a very familiar one, but it’s not mine and it’s not Jesus. It’s the enemy.

Satan is gunning for my soul.

But, I am not afraid because my foundation has been built on THE ROCK!

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.” Matthew 7:24-25

Just because we live the Christian life does not mean we will live a perfect happy disease free life. In fact, in John 16:33 Jesus tells us the complete opposite “In this world you WILL have trouble” and also Paul teaches us in 2 Timothy 3:12 “everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution.” Look at all the disciples, John The Baptist, Mother Mary, JESUS… they all suffered, so why would we be excluded from it?

I know to non-believers this can sound insane why would anyone choose to follow someone who promises suffering? But Christianity was never about avoiding pain. It’s about having hope in the middle of it, peace in spite of it, and purpose through it. Let me explain.

Building a foundation rooted in Christ is so important- again the full verse of John 16:33 Jesus says, “ I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace and in this world you will have trouble, BUT TAKE HEART I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD” The storms are going to come whether we follow Him or not. Jesus created this world to be beautiful and perfect- the devil tempted Adam and Eve which gave birth to sin. So Because of that, Because of SATAN NOT JESUS- Illness, disappointment, sorrow and pain are now all apart of this broken world we live in, Jesus warns us of that. Following Christ doesn’t remove the storm but it gives us something to anchor onto when the winds start to tear everything else away. Only through Jesus we can have peace in chaos. Jesus has already fought and won the battle for us we just have to trust and believe in him to see us through it. I see suffering everywhere and I’m living it myself. There are moments when my body feels completely out of control. When the tingling starts, I can’t make it stop. I’m at the mercy of something I didn’t choose and something I don’t understand. In these moments, fear creeps in and that voice does tell me that I’m losing everything. But then I remember John 16:33 and Jesus’s promise… He HAS already overcome the world and because he fought and won this battle for me, the suffering doesn’t have the final say. It doesn’t win. Jesus does.

The truth is, Jesus tells us that these worldly things can be taken away.

Our health, the feeling in our body, the people we love, our homes, our jobs, our independence, our control… all of it can be taken away. But there is one thing that cannot – Faith in Christ.

No disease can touch faith. No loss can steal it from us. No storm can dismantle it.

And the BEST part… Faith is something you get to control!!!!

It can be rattled but it is something we can choose to keep or lose. We get to decide how much or how little faith we want to have. When our bodies fail, when life spirals out of control, when fear is the loudest- We can still choose to keep our faith or we can abandon it. Jesus gives us free will to make our choice, he doesn’t want a forced relationship like the devil tries to force temptation in our face, Jesus doesn’t do that but he desires you to want to choose him. When everything else is stripped away and there’s nothing but faith that is still standing, that is the greatest victory we can ever choose for ourselves. That rock solid faith secures us to the One who has already overcome the world.

Why would you not choose it?

As soon as we hear the alert that bad weather is coming, we prepare. We make sure we have enough food, water, and toilet paper the shelves go bare. Some people tie down their outdoor furniture. Others board up their windows. We stock up on candles, matches, and batteries. We check the generator. We prepare for the storm before it arrives because during is too late.

If we want to be fully equipped to handle life’s storms we need to build that foundation of unshakeable faith. It doesn’t happen over night, it doesn’t happen to the faint of heart either, it takes commitment, diligence and relentless perseverance. Just like anything in life, if you want it bad enough you work at every day. We all have daily routines, Is Jesus apart of yours? If he isn’t, then you aren’t building. It takes a tremendous amount of surrender to choose HIM, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Whether it’s rain or shine, on the mountain top or in the valley, hearing His voice or sitting in silence, whether prayers are answered or still hanging in the unknown. The daily surrender and relationship is how you build your rock solid foundation. Everything you need to know about Jesus is in the Bible, just open it and see how the Holy Spirit begins to transform you. One verse, one prayer, sometimes even one tear at a time. Some days it makes perfect sense and some days it definitely doesn’t but all that matters is you just keep building and Choose to remain loyal to a King that you cannot even see. That is faith.

I promise you when the storm comes unexpectedly pounding at your doorstep, You will either stand firm with what you previously built or sink with what you didn’t.

The choice is always ours.